A Day In The Life Of A Survivor: Raw, Honest, And Inspiring With Dina Buno

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a limited time. Who's thirsty? So today's guest

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is my friend and Dina, who's going to talk about

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her survivor day that happened years ago. I forget

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how many years ago, but she's going to tell you

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all that information. And yeah, I'm going to

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go for there. And that's it. So let's welcome

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her out. Hey, Dina. Hi. So, before we get started,

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can you tell people a little bit about who you

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are and what you do and how you got started?

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Okay. Well, my name is Dina Puno and how I got

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started, you mean what I do now, you mean? Yeah.

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Well, I do a couple of things. One of them I'm

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Dina Bino, and I will be 55 in three weeks. July

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6th is my birthday, so it's two and a half weeks

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from today. And so speaking of, that's my real

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birthday, but today is actually my survivor day

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of 12 years. So I called it my rebirth, and I'll

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get to that in a minute. I actually had no idea

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I would be doing what I do. So now I am an autism

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advocate. And so my speaking engagements, I was

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a bigger public speaker going into schools and

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colleges. some lecture halls, meaning they had

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conferences and I would go and advocate and sometimes

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teach a workshop. But now, while I'm waiting

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for September to come up, you know, the pandemic

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had slowed a lot down. So I've done some virtual,

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but right before the pandemic, I got certified

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as an autism a certified autism specialist and

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also a CPS, which is certified peer specialist,

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like a recovery specialist. And I work with people

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like myself who have mental health challenges

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and PTSD and, uh, more complicated mental illnesses

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like, um, like OCD, schizophrenia, and, you know,

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bipolar. So, um, That's what I do. Also, I just

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opened up a business during the month of April,

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which is for my art. So I'm selling my art. So

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it was like a hobby, just enjoying it. And then

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my art teacher and I talked about it, and it

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just grew. It started getting bigger. And I,

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you know, so I marketed myself and now I sell

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also on Saturdays during the farmer's market.

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So it's a little bit of everything. So for people

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who haven't seen your movie and without giving

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away too much of it, I mean, not the movie per

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se, but about your survivor day. But can you

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tell people a little bit about what happened

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during that day but without spoiling the movie

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without uh spoiling it's kind of hard because

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so many people they enjoyed the movie um and

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believe it or not that that part of my story

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when we added to more anxiety and more ptsd which

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are mental illnesses so generalized anxiety but

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um You know, I don't have to go on in detail

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about what the movie's about, but I'm a survivor

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of so many things. But 12 years ago, I was, or

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13 years, 12 years ago was the end of my relationship

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with this mentally ill man. And we were the same

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age. And I think in my part, in my growth period,

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He fell through the cracks of the mental health

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system, which you see very often today. And I

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was too much into saving people with broken wings,

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if you will. And I didn't recognize. People have

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told me that I might have PTSD, but I had anxiety

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disorder. And sometimes these little mental illnesses

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that go along with Asperger's syndrome are often

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misdiagnosed because they all come out the same

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way. So, you know, one time with my anxiety,

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someone actually said that I might have had bipolar,

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which there's nothing wrong with that if you

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are willing to. That's what I was a survivor

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of at first. June 17th or June 16th in the middle

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of the night, which made it June 17th, I survived

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a traumatic attack. It was a knife wielding attack.

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Is that a good statement for you? So, you know,

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I don't want to scare anybody, but I was in a

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relationship in 2007 with a man that I knew for

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20 years. I knew he had problems, but so do I,

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you know, and I'm not prejudiced. But I just

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lost my first husband in 2006. So, you know,

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I wasn't what I don't think that you really ever

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get over. But John had told me when he was dying.

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I mean, it was such a wonderful guy. He said,

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you know, I want you to go out, you know, but

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it's very hard. I mean, as much as I grieved,

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he said, I want you to go out and I want you

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to date. And he was a wonderful guy. He sat me

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down. I mean, you know, we tried to make his

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death easy, but it's not really that easy. So

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I had unresolved PTSD, unresolved anxiety, unresolved

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OCD. And moving on is very difficult. And this

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friend of mine and I contacted each other from

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way back when. Looking back, he was a very troubled

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individual and he had gotten in trouble with

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the law before he had alcohol and drug issues.

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And, you know, he used to tell me throughout

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my life, but I didn't, you know, I wasn't with

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him. And, you know, he would tell me, oh, it's

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this person's fault or that. And I didn't understand

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the tendencies of a person who was psychopathic.

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You will like he would tell me that he would

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beat up women. But, you know, I was on the spectrum.

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So, you know, being a person that was kind of

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naive and seeing good in everybody, I kind of

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just brushed that right off. And, you know, I

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felt that John always took care of me. So I misjudged

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what he was saying with go and find somebody

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nice, you know. But at the same time, I found

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myself in that year that I lost John. For some

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reason, I found myself drawn to people when I

00:09:03.379 --> 00:09:06.820
felt very alone because when somebody dies, you

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lose the majority of your friends. People become

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too busy. And nothing was – there were things

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that would satisfy my – my life but for some

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reason I gravitated and the conversations got

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deeper and he started you know in our own specific

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way he started telling me oh I'm going to be

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here for you and you don't have anybody which

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was not true but you know this was a potential

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romantic relationship and then it grew and over

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the the year that we went out it was very pleasant

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But was I in love with him? No. And so as I realized,

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as I healed into a healthy person and I probably

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had unresolved issues and was afraid because

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the world is very cold when you lose somebody

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with, you'll find another guy and you'll see

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him again when you die. And it was meant to be.

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And he's up in heaven and he's watching you,

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all these things. So, you know, I moved from

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my place to, I moved from my place somewhere

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down the line. And I was already, and so I was

00:10:31.379 --> 00:10:34.779
not in the relationship yet. But I was, after

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I moved out of me and John's house, I got into

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that relationship. And I was in my new place.

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Things were starting to fall into place. And

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I didn't realize. And so anyway. To make a long

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story short. We were going out a whole year.

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And I started to see some signs. And you know.

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By the second year. I was getting more brainwashed.

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That he was going to save me. And I was going

00:11:05.340 --> 00:11:09.179
to be okay. And you know. This stuff. And oh

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my family doesn't love me anymore. And whatever.

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You know, and I started believing this. And by

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the spring of 2010, I was starting to get brainwashed.

00:11:24.080 --> 00:11:28.259
And, you know, but what happened was nine months

00:11:28.259 --> 00:11:32.919
earlier, I broke up with him. I was just fed

00:11:32.919 --> 00:11:37.279
up with it. And I moved on. And I don't know

00:11:37.279 --> 00:11:43.259
why, but, you know, I went out and I dated. I

00:11:43.259 --> 00:11:48.000
dated somebody very briefly, long distance. So

00:11:48.000 --> 00:11:52.299
we were, like, really close. And he was a really

00:11:52.299 --> 00:11:55.600
nice guy. And, like, David started getting really

00:11:55.600 --> 00:11:58.860
mean. And there was a course of severe abuse

00:11:58.860 --> 00:12:01.080
that was going on for the last year, but I kept

00:12:01.080 --> 00:12:05.720
it a secret. What kind of abuse? Well, it was...

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A lot of physical violence, a lot of sexual violence.

00:13:26.389 --> 00:13:30.970
You know, like, so, um... Mental abuse. I was

00:13:30.970 --> 00:13:34.389
emotionally abused. By then I was very brainwashed.

00:13:34.789 --> 00:13:39.029
To believe everything he said. So. He started

00:13:39.029 --> 00:13:44.850
to keep me in the house. And. Tell me that. I

00:13:44.850 --> 00:13:50.549
was owned by him. And. People were like. Looking

00:13:50.549 --> 00:13:53.850
for me. But then on the other hand. He would

00:13:53.850 --> 00:13:56.750
buy me these presents. And say he's sorry. And

00:13:56.750 --> 00:14:02.309
he was just. very dysfunctional um he would make

00:14:02.309 --> 00:14:07.350
fun of me and uh you know he told me one time

00:14:07.350 --> 00:14:10.210
when he started getting very violent and grabbing

00:14:10.210 --> 00:14:12.769
my hands and tying them up in my house and you

00:14:12.769 --> 00:14:15.990
know not to get graphic but it's a very important

00:14:15.990 --> 00:14:21.129
thing that um i did some studying and i learned

00:14:21.129 --> 00:14:24.929
but i found out during the course of my recovery

00:14:24.929 --> 00:14:29.269
from this that A lot of people on the spectrum

00:14:29.269 --> 00:14:33.830
are lonely and brainwashed and begin to believe

00:14:33.830 --> 00:14:38.269
that they're really not worth it at all. And

00:14:38.269 --> 00:14:43.909
so, you know, I started getting PTSD there. I

00:14:43.909 --> 00:14:51.110
started, you know, not functioning well. I mean,

00:14:51.149 --> 00:14:54.190
I was barely, you know, I couldn't keep a job.

00:14:54.309 --> 00:14:57.100
I couldn't. i could you know i had to go on disability

00:14:57.100 --> 00:15:04.019
you know i was already disabled but um i um was

00:15:04.019 --> 00:15:12.419
uh very mentally depressed and so um when he

00:15:12.419 --> 00:15:14.740
physically abused me he said you know i still

00:15:14.740 --> 00:15:19.620
love you and one time he said one time i was

00:15:19.620 --> 00:15:24.169
like um You know, he would yell at me and he

00:15:24.169 --> 00:15:26.389
would start saying, do this right now or else

00:15:26.389 --> 00:15:28.230
you know what the consequences are going to be.

00:15:28.509 --> 00:15:35.029
Or, you know, I had this other cat that had passed

00:15:35.029 --> 00:15:38.129
and he said to me, like, I'm going to end up

00:15:38.129 --> 00:15:43.450
killing it. Or he started threatening me. And,

00:15:43.649 --> 00:15:47.230
you know, he was having some affairs, but he

00:15:47.230 --> 00:15:50.190
told me it was OK. I mean, he got very graphic.

00:15:51.879 --> 00:15:54.919
One time he told me that I have to have punishments

00:15:54.919 --> 00:15:57.919
issued out to me because I was so bad. And I

00:15:57.919 --> 00:16:02.740
got really like depressed. And then the last

00:16:02.740 --> 00:16:06.059
week, you know, after he hit me and I was black

00:16:06.059 --> 00:16:08.700
and blue, I confessed to my friend, Patrick,

00:16:08.960 --> 00:16:12.799
who he said, listen, kiddo, this guy's not good.

00:16:13.360 --> 00:16:17.100
And then like the same week I was trying on clothes

00:16:17.100 --> 00:16:21.679
and I totally was brainwashed. I was trying to

00:16:21.679 --> 00:16:25.259
hide my back from people and all the welts that

00:16:25.259 --> 00:16:28.419
he caused. And it showed up in the hospital when

00:16:28.419 --> 00:16:30.500
I was like when they were checking me out after

00:16:30.500 --> 00:16:34.399
all the wounds. But it was a knife wielding attack.

00:16:34.720 --> 00:16:39.259
And so all this led up. So one night when I couldn't

00:16:39.259 --> 00:16:42.139
sit down at all, you know, and I was in so much

00:16:42.139 --> 00:16:46.240
pain, you know, so I was talking to a friend.

00:16:46.799 --> 00:16:48.840
And they said, are you safe? And I'm like, yeah,

00:16:48.899 --> 00:16:51.860
yeah, yeah. And then the next day I went to a

00:16:51.860 --> 00:16:55.399
meeting and the same person said to me, this

00:16:55.399 --> 00:16:58.039
teacher friend of mine named Ed Sickles, he said,

00:16:58.120 --> 00:17:00.860
are you safe? And I said, yeah. And he let me

00:17:00.860 --> 00:17:02.940
go home. He was going to keep me on his couch.

00:17:03.320 --> 00:17:05.380
And that was the night it happened. And I was

00:17:05.380 --> 00:17:08.720
sitting on the couch and I said, we're going

00:17:08.720 --> 00:17:11.759
for a psych evaluation out of the weird thought.

00:17:12.400 --> 00:17:15.480
So he said, okay. Well, I said, you sleep on

00:17:15.480 --> 00:17:18.019
the couch. You're not sleeping with me. Like

00:17:18.019 --> 00:17:21.700
so earlier that night he was crying and like

00:17:21.700 --> 00:17:24.519
all week long he was like, if you don't take

00:17:24.519 --> 00:17:27.319
me back, you know, so I led him back into my

00:17:27.319 --> 00:17:31.299
life because separation assault is what I call

00:17:31.299 --> 00:17:35.200
is very rough. And that night I woke up in the

00:17:35.200 --> 00:17:36.779
middle of the night and it was like one o 'clock.

00:17:36.940 --> 00:17:41.359
And do you want me to mention the role details?

00:17:45.230 --> 00:17:49.069
Well, you're not sure as long as you keep it

00:17:49.069 --> 00:17:52.450
PG. Okay, so what happened was I got attacked.

00:17:52.589 --> 00:17:58.589
It was a weapon -wielding attack. And it was

00:17:58.589 --> 00:18:02.809
29 and a half times. I can't really figure out

00:18:02.809 --> 00:18:07.230
why. But someone said 22, but it was like 29.

00:18:07.369 --> 00:18:12.900
So he was arrested on the spot. I'm not going

00:18:12.900 --> 00:18:16.000
to spoil or alert, you know, that whole thing.

00:18:16.160 --> 00:18:22.960
But I was in the hospital. And I was rushed into

00:18:22.960 --> 00:18:28.960
surgery. I had a lacerated kidney and lung punctures.

00:18:29.000 --> 00:18:34.920
And, you know, so I had to relearn how to, you

00:18:34.920 --> 00:18:38.839
know, walk on my own. I had to be catheterized.

00:18:39.680 --> 00:18:42.339
Thank God my memory was still clear because I

00:18:42.339 --> 00:18:45.779
lost all this blood. So at that time I was on

00:18:45.779 --> 00:18:50.680
morphine. And why don't you ask me some questions

00:18:50.680 --> 00:18:54.660
about the hard part was once he was arrested,

00:18:54.779 --> 00:18:58.440
like, was he going to get out of jail? You know,

00:18:58.460 --> 00:19:03.519
was he going to get off the hook? Because what

00:19:03.519 --> 00:19:08.009
happened was the cops finally came to me. But

00:19:08.009 --> 00:19:11.829
it took all that. So I called the cops five or

00:19:11.829 --> 00:19:15.750
six times in the month before. And in September,

00:19:15.789 --> 00:19:19.650
the cops came to my house that I wanted to call

00:19:19.650 --> 00:19:24.490
Harmony. And they came and said, okay, well,

00:19:24.670 --> 00:19:28.569
do you love her? And he was like, yeah. And you're

00:19:28.569 --> 00:19:31.690
a good girl, Dina. We love each other. And he

00:19:31.690 --> 00:19:35.099
was like faking it. You know, we found out that

00:19:35.099 --> 00:19:37.619
there was somebody on the staff that was like

00:19:37.619 --> 00:19:41.240
going to retire soon. And, you know, what happens

00:19:41.240 --> 00:19:43.960
is people, these couples play cat and mouse games

00:19:43.960 --> 00:19:47.380
when there was a true domestic violence incident.

00:19:47.680 --> 00:19:52.980
And, you know, so when I tried to tell something

00:19:52.980 --> 00:19:56.319
seriously with just saying, you know, take this

00:19:56.319 --> 00:20:01.599
guy, you know, so. It started, so it was hard

00:20:01.599 --> 00:20:04.599
because I got so brainwashed that, you know,

00:20:04.599 --> 00:20:08.299
people kept telling me that, you know, it was

00:20:08.299 --> 00:20:12.319
very hard, you know, to hear from your mother

00:20:12.319 --> 00:20:15.900
that, you know, I didn't tell her the full story.

00:20:16.180 --> 00:20:19.039
Just like I told her I broke up with him and

00:20:19.039 --> 00:20:23.059
that he wasn't so swift. And you don't know what

00:20:23.059 --> 00:20:28.200
to think. So, you know, the worst part. going

00:20:28.200 --> 00:20:31.519
through this PTSD, you know, well, I'm going

00:20:31.519 --> 00:20:34.319
to let you speak and ask me questions that lead

00:20:34.319 --> 00:20:39.140
up to what you want. And what, what can I, you

00:20:39.140 --> 00:20:41.740
know, what else can I tell you? Cause I feel

00:20:41.740 --> 00:20:45.160
that I want to follow what you're saying. So

00:20:45.160 --> 00:20:53.059
how can you, I know you said you were brainwashed

00:20:53.059 --> 00:21:01.900
and forgot the, Years that you were with him?

00:21:02.339 --> 00:21:06.680
Yeah. Was it years or months? What? Was it years

00:21:06.680 --> 00:21:10.400
or months? Well, I was brainwashed. I was with

00:21:10.400 --> 00:21:13.519
him for about two and a half years. So it was

00:21:13.519 --> 00:21:16.160
about a year. It was about two years that I was

00:21:16.160 --> 00:21:18.779
brainwashed. But I really got brainwashed in

00:21:18.779 --> 00:21:23.940
the last six months. It was like January to June.

00:21:24.299 --> 00:21:28.579
So what happened was, you know, he would be real

00:21:28.579 --> 00:21:33.759
nice. And then he would be real mean. So, you

00:21:33.759 --> 00:21:39.960
know, when he would tell me that, oh, you know

00:21:39.960 --> 00:21:44.180
that I'm doing this for your own good. You know,

00:21:44.220 --> 00:21:51.660
I was mistaken for what a boyfriend should be

00:21:51.660 --> 00:21:54.259
like. And I was like, wait a minute, this doesn't

00:21:54.259 --> 00:21:57.160
feel good. And I wasn't going with my gut, which.

00:21:57.839 --> 00:22:01.500
Some people on the spectrum, you know, they're

00:22:01.500 --> 00:22:05.220
more naive and it's kind of like hard for all

00:22:05.220 --> 00:22:07.680
of us on the spectrum, whether they're on the

00:22:07.680 --> 00:22:09.380
high end or the low end. You know what I mean?

00:22:09.640 --> 00:22:16.400
How come you didn't go with to Dan's house at

00:22:16.400 --> 00:22:19.740
that time? Because, you know, you know that you

00:22:19.740 --> 00:22:22.220
had that kind of gut feeling. Why didn't you

00:22:22.220 --> 00:22:27.349
listen to it? Well, it's very hard because. It's

00:22:27.349 --> 00:22:30.950
called separation assault. And so it was Dan's

00:22:30.950 --> 00:22:39.289
father, Ed. So I didn't want to go to his house

00:22:39.289 --> 00:22:43.349
because I didn't want to be a burden. And I was

00:22:43.349 --> 00:22:46.769
told in an argument with some heated words by

00:22:46.769 --> 00:22:49.490
somebody, you're nothing but a burden. And so

00:22:49.490 --> 00:22:55.460
all it made me do was act in. frustration of

00:22:55.460 --> 00:23:01.640
a person who was on the spectrum like um like

00:23:01.640 --> 00:23:05.359
uh don't come crying to me anymore if uh something

00:23:05.359 --> 00:23:08.759
happens so the night before somebody said it

00:23:08.759 --> 00:23:11.299
was like a week before someone said to me it

00:23:11.299 --> 00:23:12.920
serves you right because you're going to get

00:23:12.920 --> 00:23:15.480
attacked and and all that and they felt really

00:23:15.480 --> 00:23:19.279
bad after i was in the hospital and they came

00:23:19.279 --> 00:23:23.849
to visit and all that like so People were frustrated,

00:23:24.049 --> 00:23:30.250
so that was the reason. I actually did a workshop

00:23:30.250 --> 00:23:36.910
with cops about that. When I started to heal

00:23:36.910 --> 00:23:43.970
from PTSD, the PTSD was making me act like it

00:23:43.970 --> 00:23:46.450
was already kicking in. I am what you call an

00:23:46.450 --> 00:23:49.750
indie podcaster. If I run out of money, there's...

00:23:50.200 --> 00:23:53.440
Nobody backing Crazy Fitness Guy. How you can

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00:26:19.859 --> 00:26:24.180
for you. And it was a fight or flight. So I went

00:26:24.180 --> 00:26:27.279
back and forth just like I do now. So if you

00:26:27.279 --> 00:26:30.740
witness a lot of behavior of these meltdowns,

00:26:30.740 --> 00:26:34.980
I mean, I had anxiety really bad, but PTSD, like

00:26:34.980 --> 00:26:40.819
if someone, I, I'm a hugger, but like, it was

00:26:40.819 --> 00:26:44.400
like, I was surprised that when people came to

00:26:44.400 --> 00:26:46.960
see me in the hospital was accepting hugs. But

00:26:46.960 --> 00:26:51.220
like the worst part was that I remember David.

00:26:51.720 --> 00:26:56.240
you know doing things to me like trying to shut

00:26:56.240 --> 00:26:59.119
me up so like he shoved a napkin in my mouth

00:26:59.119 --> 00:27:04.799
and like for a while i was afraid of that white

00:27:04.799 --> 00:27:06.940
napkin i had to like throw it away it was like

00:27:06.940 --> 00:27:09.900
a cloth napkin and i would gag every time i would

00:27:09.900 --> 00:27:13.059
see it and then you know i got over that because

00:27:13.059 --> 00:27:17.500
like i had a lot of exposure you know but like

00:27:17.500 --> 00:27:23.470
um now all i think of is that to tell people,

00:27:23.650 --> 00:27:26.430
you know, go with your gut. And that means if

00:27:26.430 --> 00:27:32.329
it doesn't feel good, then get out of it. And

00:27:32.329 --> 00:27:37.190
also I got lucky because this is the apartment

00:27:37.190 --> 00:27:40.710
it happened in, but it was my place and we had

00:27:40.710 --> 00:27:43.890
paper hangers and we had cleaning people and

00:27:43.890 --> 00:27:47.569
we had new stuff. I mean, my family worked really

00:27:47.569 --> 00:27:51.809
hard to like clean the place up and, you know

00:27:51.809 --> 00:27:56.529
take pictures but for the most part um i didn't

00:27:56.529 --> 00:27:59.109
even know that i was going to be walking like

00:27:59.109 --> 00:28:02.569
i'm on three floors and i had a lot of physical

00:28:02.569 --> 00:28:09.890
therapy from june 7th like i was um i was attacked

00:28:09.890 --> 00:28:14.230
on june 17th and from the time that i was able

00:28:14.230 --> 00:28:17.690
to sit up and you know like i think for three

00:28:17.690 --> 00:28:20.470
days i was out of it So I was in a self -induced

00:28:20.470 --> 00:28:24.049
coma. And then I think, you know, imagine having

00:28:24.049 --> 00:28:26.890
tubes coming out of everywhere. And the end of

00:28:26.890 --> 00:28:29.549
the first week, you're not able to eat anything.

00:28:29.589 --> 00:28:34.130
And they have to move your body. So, like, that

00:28:34.130 --> 00:28:36.930
was probably hard. And then you start feeling

00:28:36.930 --> 00:28:41.670
things. Like, you're constantly on morphine.

00:28:43.549 --> 00:28:48.109
How long were you in the hospital for? June 17th,

00:28:48.109 --> 00:28:53.589
I was brought in and I came out on June 30th.

00:28:53.589 --> 00:28:56.509
That's two weeks of the hospital. And that's

00:28:56.509 --> 00:28:59.269
a long time. And then they moved me over to,

00:28:59.349 --> 00:29:03.250
I went to a fancy rehab for two weeks. So it

00:29:03.250 --> 00:29:11.650
was about, I came home. So it was July 1st to

00:29:11.650 --> 00:29:16.339
June 17th. So exactly one month. I was back in

00:29:16.339 --> 00:29:19.500
my apartment in six weeks. So, like, it was redone.

00:29:19.579 --> 00:29:26.140
And it's pretty amazing because, like, I thought

00:29:26.140 --> 00:29:30.359
that I was never going to come home. But I came,

00:29:30.539 --> 00:29:34.019
like, pretty amazing. How come you didn't decide

00:29:34.019 --> 00:29:38.359
not to move? If that happened to me, I would

00:29:38.359 --> 00:29:40.460
literally have to move. Yeah, people ask me that

00:29:40.460 --> 00:29:43.940
all the time. Does that bother you as a person?

00:29:44.750 --> 00:29:49.430
Like I decided not to move because I felt like

00:29:49.430 --> 00:29:53.490
I was, again, not being strong when I really

00:29:53.490 --> 00:29:58.809
was. I felt like that a lot of people said the

00:29:58.809 --> 00:30:01.930
doctors and nurses said we'll pay for like a

00:30:01.930 --> 00:30:05.609
new place. And I kept saying that I'm not out

00:30:05.609 --> 00:30:08.849
to get freebies of anything. I just want to like

00:30:08.849 --> 00:30:12.069
things to be normal. You know, how bad is that?

00:30:12.210 --> 00:30:16.990
And so. They didn't show me the pictures of the

00:30:16.990 --> 00:30:23.329
actual apartment, how it looked. But, you know,

00:30:23.410 --> 00:30:28.849
I got up. I was under like fight or flight mode.

00:30:28.990 --> 00:30:31.970
So when he did this, I don't know whether I passed

00:30:31.970 --> 00:30:36.630
out from shock, but I got up and I walked. I

00:30:36.630 --> 00:30:39.690
fell off the bed and that resulted in these two

00:30:39.690 --> 00:30:43.750
little bones in my. in my thumb. So imagine two

00:30:43.750 --> 00:30:46.869
little tiny bones, you know, you have, um, you

00:30:46.869 --> 00:30:49.549
have 27 in each hand. I think like two little

00:30:49.549 --> 00:30:53.430
tiny bones in the, in the wrist or the thumb

00:30:53.430 --> 00:30:58.170
were broken. They were like fractured. And so

00:30:58.170 --> 00:31:02.329
I had this slink, but by the time I went to rehab,

00:31:02.430 --> 00:31:05.269
that was done. So like, it was just about healed

00:31:05.269 --> 00:31:10.150
up. So like I got up, walked into the kitchen.

00:31:11.150 --> 00:31:14.769
and was like thinking at first when I woke up,

00:31:14.789 --> 00:31:17.089
oh my God, you know, it's a female thing that

00:31:17.089 --> 00:31:19.890
goes on. You know, I didn't know what the blood

00:31:19.890 --> 00:31:22.789
was from. I was like, did I cut myself? What's

00:31:22.789 --> 00:31:27.349
going on? And then I went into the kitchen and

00:31:27.349 --> 00:31:30.049
I was so thirsty. Like I just wanted to drink

00:31:30.049 --> 00:31:34.069
a big glass water juice. So I went in and I got

00:31:34.069 --> 00:31:36.769
some juice and I'm drinking it down and I washed

00:31:36.769 --> 00:31:41.630
my hands and I'm wondering why, like, I'm not

00:31:41.630 --> 00:31:44.190
making sense. And then it clicked. I'm drinking

00:31:44.190 --> 00:31:49.569
the juice. And, you know, I saw a lot of blood

00:31:49.569 --> 00:31:53.230
and it wasn't ending. And I'm still in shock.

00:31:53.509 --> 00:31:58.589
So, like, I literally, like, was walking and

00:31:58.589 --> 00:32:02.450
then my legs gave out. So they don't know. And

00:32:02.450 --> 00:32:06.410
then, you know, there were kick wounds. So I

00:32:06.410 --> 00:32:09.839
fell and I felt this movement. And I couldn't

00:32:09.839 --> 00:32:12.420
walk anymore. And I'm like pushing myself and

00:32:12.420 --> 00:32:14.460
I grabbed the phone, but I hung up because I

00:32:14.460 --> 00:32:19.680
was out of it. And people didn't get why, you

00:32:19.680 --> 00:32:21.559
know, I'm used to getting questions like, why

00:32:21.559 --> 00:32:26.640
didn't you move? But like someone also said that

00:32:26.640 --> 00:32:30.140
I think it's brave of you to stay in the place

00:32:30.140 --> 00:32:32.700
because, you know, you saw my place. It's kind

00:32:32.700 --> 00:32:40.779
of like, it's awesome. And, you know, Like, I

00:32:40.779 --> 00:32:44.059
was, like, I felt safe. And I wanted to feel

00:32:44.059 --> 00:32:46.880
that way. And I know what it's like to be strong.

00:32:47.819 --> 00:32:53.640
So, you know, so my mom and my sister and, like,

00:32:53.640 --> 00:32:56.980
my dad and my brother, they all did things. So

00:32:56.980 --> 00:33:01.859
they got a recovery fund. And, like, I mean.

00:33:02.430 --> 00:33:05.269
Money came in from a recovery fund. They had

00:33:05.269 --> 00:33:08.049
this fundraiser. With a band when I was in the

00:33:08.049 --> 00:33:11.210
hospital. And just think I was getting out. See.

00:33:11.869 --> 00:33:14.589
Now you can hear some things on my survivor day.

00:33:14.730 --> 00:33:16.910
And I don't like ambulances. That's one of my

00:33:16.910 --> 00:33:21.049
pet peeves. Talk about adding autism to the mix.

00:33:21.130 --> 00:33:24.670
Something I was born with. You know. And then

00:33:24.670 --> 00:33:28.250
you get. You know I'm laughing now. Because it's

00:33:28.250 --> 00:33:33.559
a coping skill. But get me on a day when. PTSD,

00:33:33.559 --> 00:33:40.339
you know, like I had earlier, when my dander

00:33:40.339 --> 00:33:46.279
gets up, the sound. So sometimes, like, I like

00:33:46.279 --> 00:33:52.019
to watch cop shows. So like, the thing is that

00:33:52.019 --> 00:33:55.960
I know it sounds weird, but I don't look at myself

00:33:55.960 --> 00:34:00.940
as like self pity. Because I've seen people who

00:34:00.940 --> 00:34:03.319
were worse i mean it could have been 11 years

00:34:03.319 --> 00:34:07.339
like those girls who were kidnapped in that house

00:34:07.339 --> 00:34:10.099
that like the house of horrors that was worse

00:34:10.099 --> 00:34:14.599
i mean i might have had it for um a year but

00:34:14.599 --> 00:34:17.400
these people had it like those people couldn't

00:34:17.400 --> 00:34:23.500
see daylight like this guy was crazy but like

00:34:23.500 --> 00:34:26.940
he was mentally abusive mostly and this is my

00:34:26.940 --> 00:34:31.539
theory It's a simple fact is when it doesn't

00:34:31.539 --> 00:34:34.559
feel good, talk about it because there's always

00:34:34.559 --> 00:34:37.059
somebody there to help you. There's domestic

00:34:37.059 --> 00:34:40.300
violence hotlines. And then, you know, like Robin

00:34:40.300 --> 00:34:43.239
McGraw, I know it's like I'm all over the place,

00:34:43.280 --> 00:34:46.199
but, you know, like Robin McGraw now has this

00:34:46.199 --> 00:34:50.880
like act that you can ask a neighbor or somebody

00:34:50.880 --> 00:34:53.739
like a life can go on. And I think it's mostly

00:34:53.739 --> 00:34:58.210
for houses. But the whole idea was I'm on the

00:34:58.210 --> 00:35:02.329
board for Win the Silence on domestic violence

00:35:02.329 --> 00:35:07.130
for like, not Win the Silence for domestic violence,

00:35:07.309 --> 00:35:11.050
like RAINN and, you know, like these hotlines

00:35:11.050 --> 00:35:14.409
where women are being abused. And I feel very

00:35:14.409 --> 00:35:18.429
blessed that I got to stay in my house. But I'm

00:35:18.429 --> 00:35:22.210
glad that, you know, he's still in jail. But,

00:35:22.210 --> 00:35:26.349
you know. Part of me does not fear myself getting

00:35:26.349 --> 00:35:29.650
hurt because there's a restraining order and

00:35:29.650 --> 00:35:32.030
there was a thing on my phone. But I do fear

00:35:32.030 --> 00:35:34.130
if he gets out and hurt somebody else because

00:35:34.130 --> 00:35:38.030
I'm a compassionate person and it makes me stronger.

00:35:38.210 --> 00:35:45.369
But, you know, I also get frustrated that the

00:35:45.369 --> 00:35:49.050
biggest population to get, you know, assaulted

00:35:49.050 --> 00:35:53.710
is the autism spectrum. The mental health spectrum.

00:35:54.389 --> 00:36:01.050
And the LBGQ. You know like. Did you ever. You

00:36:01.050 --> 00:36:04.130
know like. The Laramie Project. Which deals with

00:36:04.130 --> 00:36:09.369
like. This Matthew Shepard. Who I read the book.

00:36:09.590 --> 00:36:14.449
He ended up. Getting murdered. In Laramie, Wisconsin.

00:36:15.190 --> 00:36:19.829
And. It's not just about like my story. It's

00:36:19.829 --> 00:36:23.000
like. Matthew is not here to tell about it because

00:36:23.000 --> 00:36:26.139
he was murdered. But for some reason, do you

00:36:26.139 --> 00:36:29.139
see why I celebrate? I mean, I'm still here.

00:36:29.199 --> 00:36:32.659
I was supposed to be dead 10 times over. So someone's

00:36:32.659 --> 00:36:35.260
looking out for me. So every time I have this

00:36:35.260 --> 00:36:38.920
meltdown, I mean, this is the thing. I have PTSD.

00:36:39.000 --> 00:36:42.519
So remember when I told you a few times, because

00:36:42.519 --> 00:36:44.840
you're my friend, that there's times when I feel

00:36:44.840 --> 00:36:48.079
like... I'm suffering in my head and it's telling

00:36:48.079 --> 00:36:51.539
me, why are you still alive? Like I feel bad

00:36:51.539 --> 00:36:56.739
sometimes. So when I have celebrations, I feel

00:36:56.739 --> 00:37:00.699
like it's telling me that I'm a survivor. So

00:37:00.699 --> 00:37:05.539
like, because, you know, I know it sounds weird,

00:37:05.639 --> 00:37:08.880
but when I was growing up and I was different,

00:37:09.000 --> 00:37:15.650
people let me know. And so when I was, on the

00:37:15.650 --> 00:37:20.750
panels and things traveling, Antonio and Dan,

00:37:20.909 --> 00:37:23.349
both, there was an interview that was being done.

00:37:23.969 --> 00:37:27.130
I think you saw it, that guy, Rich, who was doing

00:37:27.130 --> 00:37:30.610
the Jezebel magazine. And he said that it seemed

00:37:30.610 --> 00:37:33.989
like I was always surviving and in survival mode.

00:37:34.690 --> 00:37:39.349
And so like, I seem to be punished for your differences.

00:37:39.449 --> 00:37:46.769
Like when I was in school, that could Dina do

00:37:46.769 --> 00:37:50.030
this? And if we, and like, there was always like,

00:37:50.110 --> 00:37:53.070
like if they gave me like minimal work in special

00:37:53.070 --> 00:37:57.489
ed, it was kind of like, I made myself do harder

00:37:57.489 --> 00:38:02.429
work so I can prove to getting murdered in Laramie,

00:38:02.469 --> 00:38:07.670
Wisconsin. And it's not just about like my story.

00:38:07.809 --> 00:38:11.010
It's like, Matthew is not here to tell about

00:38:11.010 --> 00:38:13.570
it because he was murdered. But like, for some

00:38:13.570 --> 00:38:16.929
reason, do you see why I celebrate? I mean, I'm

00:38:16.929 --> 00:38:18.909
still here. I was supposed to be dead times,

00:38:19.030 --> 00:38:21.789
10 times over. So someone's looking out for me.

00:38:21.829 --> 00:38:24.610
So every time I like have this meltdown, I mean,

00:38:24.630 --> 00:38:28.630
this is the thing I have PTSD. So remember when

00:38:28.630 --> 00:38:31.650
I told you a few times, because you're my friend,

00:38:31.670 --> 00:38:34.869
that there's times when I feel like I'm suffering

00:38:34.869 --> 00:38:37.670
in my head and it's telling me, why are you still

00:38:37.670 --> 00:38:42.610
alive? Like I feel bad sometimes. So when I have,

00:38:42.829 --> 00:38:46.989
celebrations i feel like it's telling me that

00:38:46.989 --> 00:38:53.170
i'm a survivor so like because you know i know

00:38:53.170 --> 00:38:56.469
it sounds weird but when i was growing up and

00:38:56.469 --> 00:39:02.070
i was different people let me know and so when

00:39:02.070 --> 00:39:08.070
i was on the panels and things traveling antonio

00:39:08.070 --> 00:39:11.130
and dan both there was an interview that was

00:39:11.130 --> 00:39:14.920
being done I think you saw that guy, Rich, who

00:39:14.920 --> 00:39:18.500
was doing the Jezebel magazine. And he said that

00:39:18.500 --> 00:39:21.440
it seemed like I was always surviving and in

00:39:21.440 --> 00:39:26.699
survival mode. And so like, I seem to be punished

00:39:26.699 --> 00:39:30.840
for your differences. Like when I was in school,

00:39:31.000 --> 00:39:36.699
that could Dina do this? And if we, and like,

00:39:36.699 --> 00:39:40.059
there was always like, like they gave me like

00:39:40.059 --> 00:39:43.010
minimal work in special ed. It was kind of like

00:39:43.010 --> 00:39:47.690
I made myself do harder work so I can prove to

00:39:47.690 --> 00:39:50.230
people. And people said, why do you want to prove

00:39:50.230 --> 00:39:53.789
things? And I said, because it's not proving

00:39:53.789 --> 00:39:55.710
to other people. It's like proving to myself.

00:39:56.130 --> 00:39:59.409
Like, so one of the things I learned was that

00:39:59.409 --> 00:40:04.230
through all this healing is sometimes we wish

00:40:04.230 --> 00:40:06.409
that we could be friends with people and they

00:40:06.409 --> 00:40:09.710
don't like us back. And the thing that happened

00:40:09.710 --> 00:40:18.179
to me is. You know. That. Being needy. And being

00:40:18.179 --> 00:40:22.539
wanted. Doesn't feel very nice. So like. I try

00:40:22.539 --> 00:40:25.980
to celebrate myself. Or celebrate with friends.

00:40:26.460 --> 00:40:28.820
That's why I asked. If you wanted to celebrate

00:40:28.820 --> 00:40:33.420
today. This milestone. Because we didn't always

00:40:33.420 --> 00:40:35.960
have it easy. You know what I mean. Because when

00:40:35.960 --> 00:40:38.559
two autistic people get together. It's like.

00:40:40.059 --> 00:40:44.579
all the things that I work for, we all clash.

00:40:44.800 --> 00:40:47.519
You know what I mean? It's like, sometimes I

00:40:47.519 --> 00:40:49.719
just wish that we could have pets and know people,

00:40:49.739 --> 00:40:52.980
you know, but that's not possible. That's why

00:40:52.980 --> 00:40:55.900
my imagination, that's why I like to paint mermaids

00:40:55.900 --> 00:41:03.059
and creatures because, you know, so like, I remember

00:41:03.059 --> 00:41:09.400
one of my big stories was I was in the hospital.

00:41:09.949 --> 00:41:13.510
and i was having a few really good days there

00:41:13.510 --> 00:41:16.349
and i was in and it was towards the end of the

00:41:16.349 --> 00:41:21.929
week and the lawyer who won my case uh john walco

00:41:21.929 --> 00:41:25.969
i hope he's listening but he came in and the

00:41:25.969 --> 00:41:28.829
cops and all that and there were two different

00:41:28.829 --> 00:41:32.769
times and so then like a couple days later the

00:41:33.210 --> 00:41:35.949
the lead detective had came in and they were

00:41:35.949 --> 00:41:38.429
like telling me that i'm safe and that i was

00:41:38.429 --> 00:41:40.690
going to be okay but when the lawyer came in

00:41:40.690 --> 00:41:43.090
i was having a really bad day and stitches were

00:41:43.090 --> 00:41:46.250
itching me and i was feeling really awful about

00:41:46.250 --> 00:41:49.849
the bandages and looking at the big scar on my

00:41:49.849 --> 00:41:54.610
stomach that um that people could stare if i

00:41:54.610 --> 00:41:58.489
you know i was worried about all the scars all

00:41:58.489 --> 00:42:01.590
over because i had bandages so i was afraid to

00:42:01.590 --> 00:42:06.900
look And he said, hey, you're alive and you're

00:42:06.900 --> 00:42:15.460
going to be okay. But I was like, I remember

00:42:15.460 --> 00:42:19.119
I had like a tube in my throat and I couldn't

00:42:19.119 --> 00:42:23.460
eat for like a week. And then I had to have liquids

00:42:23.460 --> 00:42:27.480
because then, you know, so I was like saying,

00:42:27.579 --> 00:42:30.519
can you, I was afraid like if I moved a certain

00:42:30.519 --> 00:42:34.820
way. And I felt just really blessed that I wasn't

00:42:34.820 --> 00:42:37.559
like throwing up. I mean, little did they know

00:42:37.559 --> 00:42:39.780
that scar tissue would get in the way and I had

00:42:39.780 --> 00:42:43.780
to have surgeries to repair much, much later.

00:42:43.800 --> 00:42:47.179
You know, like five years later, I was still

00:42:47.179 --> 00:42:51.619
suffering with ailments. I think I'm almost pretty

00:42:51.619 --> 00:42:54.539
done with that, but I'm in good health. But,

00:42:54.559 --> 00:43:00.159
you know, somebody told me. one doctor had actually

00:43:00.159 --> 00:43:05.099
said, you know, like, they didn't really know

00:43:05.099 --> 00:43:09.059
at the prognosis yet, but they were, like, talking

00:43:09.059 --> 00:43:12.639
to my dad, and they said, like, the joints in

00:43:12.639 --> 00:43:15.539
my lower limbs aren't really, like, healing as

00:43:15.539 --> 00:43:17.519
good as they thought, because they thought that

00:43:17.519 --> 00:43:21.500
I would, so I was, like, attacked down below

00:43:21.500 --> 00:43:27.880
as well on the legs, and so I had, like, repairs

00:43:27.880 --> 00:43:32.019
done and so then another doctor said we have

00:43:32.019 --> 00:43:36.860
a plan with physical therapy and you know they

00:43:36.860 --> 00:43:39.599
had all these plans like if I don't walk again

00:43:39.599 --> 00:43:44.460
I'll get a wheelchair ramped apartment like you

00:43:44.460 --> 00:43:46.400
know but I was so drugged up I didn't really

00:43:46.400 --> 00:43:51.679
hear this and then by that time they had a person

00:43:51.679 --> 00:43:55.079
saying if you complete two weeks if you complete

00:43:55.079 --> 00:43:58.969
rehab If you go to this fancy rehab, and I was

00:43:58.969 --> 00:44:01.429
really scared, like, rehab, what's it going to

00:44:01.429 --> 00:44:03.969
be? Am I going to not have the safety of the

00:44:03.969 --> 00:44:07.769
hospital? You know what I mean? Like, I was scared.

00:44:08.110 --> 00:44:12.269
The internet can be a distraction place. It's

00:44:12.269 --> 00:44:15.269
full of distractions like social media, shopping,

00:44:15.389 --> 00:44:19.309
and so many more websites that are very distracting,

00:44:19.530 --> 00:44:24.130
just like video games and whatnot. It is all

00:44:24.130 --> 00:44:26.849
over the place. So much noise going on. Well,

00:44:27.030 --> 00:44:30.590
with a blocker tool like Freedom Blocker, it

00:44:30.590 --> 00:44:33.269
can block all those distraction websites that

00:44:33.269 --> 00:44:38.329
you find distracting. I block RuneScape, Facebook,

00:44:38.869 --> 00:44:42.329
Twitter, and all the social media marketing tools.

00:44:42.849 --> 00:44:45.309
Without Freedom Blocker, I wouldn't be able to

00:44:45.309 --> 00:44:50.949
run crazyfitnessguy .com because I'd be distracted

00:44:50.949 --> 00:44:56.139
all day long. But thanks to them, I'm no longer

00:44:56.139 --> 00:45:00.860
distracted. Go to visit the web link in the show

00:45:00.860 --> 00:45:03.500
notes for more information about Freedom Blocker,

00:45:03.539 --> 00:45:07.099
for more information about what they do, what

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they are, and whatnot. And the best part about

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And then I get their fancy ritzy buffet breakfast

00:46:29.849 --> 00:46:40.090
everyday activities like a candy cart and I can...

00:46:41.070 --> 00:46:44.530
But I had to get on the treadmill and I had to,

00:46:44.530 --> 00:46:46.949
you know, those stuff that you see in those movies.

00:46:47.150 --> 00:46:50.650
Like if you watch Regarding Henry, where the

00:46:50.650 --> 00:46:54.329
guy got shot, he came back. Well, this was a

00:46:54.329 --> 00:46:57.489
luxury place with good food. Like we're talking

00:46:57.489 --> 00:47:03.650
buffets every day if you want your choice. You

00:47:03.650 --> 00:47:06.369
know, like it was better than a regular hospital

00:47:06.369 --> 00:47:10.630
and Abington's pretty darn good. But I had well

00:47:10.630 --> 00:47:14.269
wishes and packages and all these people that

00:47:14.269 --> 00:47:20.369
loved me that when I think of that day, you know,

00:47:20.389 --> 00:47:22.869
my life is very different now and has a lot of

00:47:22.869 --> 00:47:26.309
meaning. But there was a lot of people I had

00:47:26.309 --> 00:47:29.750
to cut out of my life because they weren't good

00:47:29.750 --> 00:47:38.619
anymore. I was curious, why were people... different

00:47:38.619 --> 00:47:43.539
towards you. Where they're just like, hey, were

00:47:43.539 --> 00:47:47.719
you making this up? Because... You know, what's

00:47:47.719 --> 00:47:49.539
really interesting that you're saying, that's

00:47:49.539 --> 00:47:52.400
a very, very fabulous point that you have there,

00:47:52.659 --> 00:47:55.539
Jim. Some people really thought I was making

00:47:55.539 --> 00:47:57.619
it up. They said... Well, I do try to make good

00:47:57.619 --> 00:48:00.900
points. Yeah, well, no, but I'm just saying it's

00:48:00.900 --> 00:48:04.500
funny because the look on their face when even

00:48:04.500 --> 00:48:07.900
my brother told the story to his friends, Well,

00:48:08.320 --> 00:48:14.760
the crazy issue was one of the cops, one of the

00:48:14.760 --> 00:48:17.179
cops was at a picnic that my sister -in -law

00:48:17.179 --> 00:48:19.639
was at. She said, I didn't really want to come.

00:48:19.699 --> 00:48:22.840
My sister -in -law just got attacked. And, you

00:48:22.840 --> 00:48:25.460
know, by a knife wielding attack. And he was

00:48:25.460 --> 00:48:28.699
like, what's the girl's name? And he's like,

00:48:29.539 --> 00:48:33.559
it was a friend. He was like, so Sam, my sister

00:48:33.559 --> 00:48:36.710
-in -law's friend was one of the. the cop's wife

00:48:36.710 --> 00:48:41.309
and, and, and friends. And she said, Dina, Dina,

00:48:41.329 --> 00:48:43.570
you know, and she said, that's the girl we just

00:48:43.570 --> 00:48:47.050
like found. And, and we got her to the hospital

00:48:47.050 --> 00:48:51.909
and like, Oh, what a coincidence. So like, there

00:48:51.909 --> 00:48:56.809
was a lot of people that found out we're calling

00:48:56.809 --> 00:49:02.010
the hospital. And they weren't always letting

00:49:02.010 --> 00:49:05.559
them through because the first week, They thought

00:49:05.559 --> 00:49:07.500
it was a domestic violence assault and they wanted

00:49:07.500 --> 00:49:12.599
to keep it safe. And then after a week, well,

00:49:12.699 --> 00:49:17.679
my mom snuck Dan's father in to the hospital

00:49:17.679 --> 00:49:22.079
and Dan and like cousins because they were family.

00:49:22.179 --> 00:49:29.260
But like, you know, the whole idea is when I

00:49:29.260 --> 00:49:33.059
started to heal and get better, there were some

00:49:33.059 --> 00:49:37.730
people that, You know, I saw is not healthy for

00:49:37.730 --> 00:49:44.769
me after a while. And, you know, one of them,

00:49:44.769 --> 00:49:46.690
there was a couple of people that I stopped being

00:49:46.690 --> 00:49:48.530
friends with just because that's what happens.

00:49:48.630 --> 00:49:54.610
But like, I'm learning through all that, even

00:49:54.610 --> 00:49:58.250
though it hurts that sometimes people aren't

00:49:58.250 --> 00:50:02.840
good for you. And sometimes you cry over, but

00:50:02.840 --> 00:50:05.139
that wouldn't be normal. Like everybody thinks

00:50:05.139 --> 00:50:11.380
because you heal that, you know, I've talked

00:50:11.380 --> 00:50:15.460
to survivors of fires and I've talked to people

00:50:15.460 --> 00:50:22.199
who lost people to AIDS. And I compared that

00:50:22.199 --> 00:50:26.179
with my husband's cancer. Like, see, John was

00:50:26.179 --> 00:50:30.159
a really good guy. that was a healthy healing

00:50:30.159 --> 00:50:33.599
that I loved them. But I also learned healing

00:50:33.599 --> 00:50:36.000
is part of life and bad times are a part of life

00:50:36.000 --> 00:50:40.320
and they teach you lessons, but it's normal that

00:50:40.320 --> 00:50:42.820
if you stop being friends with people, like I

00:50:42.820 --> 00:50:46.599
know I have my faults, like when we've gotten

00:50:46.599 --> 00:50:49.519
into disagreements, that disagreements are sometimes

00:50:49.519 --> 00:50:52.159
healthy because if you agree with everything,

00:50:52.360 --> 00:50:54.480
you know what I mean? That's like part of healing

00:50:54.480 --> 00:50:59.840
because like, like, i'm opinionated only when

00:50:59.840 --> 00:51:02.820
it comes to an opinion that like for example

00:51:02.820 --> 00:51:05.420
you know i'm not going to get into politics because

00:51:05.420 --> 00:51:10.719
it's dirty but i can back up my opinion you know

00:51:10.719 --> 00:51:15.800
but yeah trust me i'm i'm very opinionated too

00:51:15.800 --> 00:51:22.099
on certain things but you know I don't like those

00:51:22.099 --> 00:51:28.019
people who just call someone a name or back up

00:51:28.019 --> 00:51:30.780
stuff because it's like, that's not an argument.

00:51:30.940 --> 00:51:35.500
That's just a statement. I know some people that

00:51:35.500 --> 00:51:41.460
they were shocked during the election when I

00:51:41.460 --> 00:51:44.699
had a whole different opinion. But then when

00:51:47.550 --> 00:51:51.650
Dan wanted to make a controversial piece with

00:51:51.650 --> 00:51:56.769
a girl who was, like, strong. But some people

00:51:56.769 --> 00:52:01.489
who saw the film, you get all the critics. I

00:52:01.489 --> 00:52:04.329
was surprised that all the film critics that

00:52:04.329 --> 00:52:07.949
were there were really nice. And Dan said to

00:52:07.949 --> 00:52:12.000
one of them, I did this out of love, not like

00:52:12.000 --> 00:52:14.420
an investigative journalist that said, oh, let's

00:52:14.420 --> 00:52:16.980
get in here. But I thought that Dina was like

00:52:16.980 --> 00:52:20.800
heroic. And somebody said, what's so heroic about

00:52:20.800 --> 00:52:23.840
a person with autism? And they said, because

00:52:23.840 --> 00:52:30.719
I battle in my own head. Like, for example, my

00:52:30.719 --> 00:52:35.000
husband gets on my nerves at times, but I love

00:52:35.000 --> 00:52:39.000
him. There was times when I had. agreed with

00:52:39.000 --> 00:52:41.300
your opinions more than I did his. Like, for

00:52:41.300 --> 00:52:47.099
example, for example, you and I are the same,

00:52:47.099 --> 00:52:50.960
that we're more ambitious and wanting to do something

00:52:50.960 --> 00:52:55.639
in a world that's hard. Where, like, I'll ask

00:52:55.639 --> 00:53:01.119
Scott, well, told me that you knew how to...

00:53:01.119 --> 00:53:09.059
Can you start that? What? They start that sentence,

00:53:09.099 --> 00:53:12.880
my internet has been stupid. Oh, what I wanted

00:53:12.880 --> 00:53:20.420
to say was when somebody is talking in their

00:53:20.420 --> 00:53:22.940
own opinions that don't make any sense, but they're

00:53:22.940 --> 00:53:26.579
talking to hear themselves talk, or if, like,

00:53:26.739 --> 00:53:31.019
you know, John, my first husband, he was very

00:53:31.019 --> 00:53:34.650
laid back. A lot of people enjoyed that because

00:53:34.650 --> 00:53:36.570
he didn't argue, but he said, you know, everyone's

00:53:36.570 --> 00:53:38.690
got opinions, you know what they're called, you

00:53:38.690 --> 00:53:45.429
know? So I, I believe that like some people thought

00:53:45.429 --> 00:53:50.130
that the movie Rain Man about the savant guy

00:53:50.130 --> 00:53:55.070
was too cutesy. And we wanted to make a film

00:53:55.070 --> 00:53:59.179
that, that, you know, that. you know we had friends

00:53:59.179 --> 00:54:01.900
and we had a club but there was a whole secret

00:54:01.900 --> 00:54:06.159
life with dean and scott that um you know i was

00:54:06.159 --> 00:54:09.179
the one that came up with this i mean when i

00:54:09.179 --> 00:54:13.400
got engaged when i got engaged to scott um we

00:54:13.400 --> 00:54:15.900
added scott to the film but you know at first

00:54:15.900 --> 00:54:19.380
it was supposed to be about myself and like people

00:54:19.380 --> 00:54:21.840
were like no i like this better because it's

00:54:21.840 --> 00:54:24.699
teaching that everybody can have a relationship

00:54:24.699 --> 00:54:29.440
if they wanted to And there's somebody for everybody.

00:54:30.059 --> 00:54:34.280
But I'm just like everybody else. I have dreams

00:54:34.280 --> 00:54:37.699
and passions. I'm emotional. As a matter of fact,

00:54:37.780 --> 00:54:41.659
without working in the mental health system,

00:54:41.800 --> 00:54:45.219
I can't think of something better. Like these

00:54:45.219 --> 00:54:49.039
people are helping me heal my traumatic past.

00:54:49.260 --> 00:54:52.980
That I know that I'm not alone. That I can use

00:54:52.980 --> 00:54:57.980
my kindness. That's why I'm a survivor of this

00:54:57.980 --> 00:55:02.440
and those people that I help out. It turned out

00:55:02.440 --> 00:55:06.119
that while the pandemic was going down and I

00:55:06.119 --> 00:55:08.780
had a really hard time, I started doing my art

00:55:08.780 --> 00:55:14.059
and now I really enjoy it. But, you know, I'm

00:55:14.059 --> 00:55:16.940
hoping that it'll pick back up again and I get

00:55:16.940 --> 00:55:20.519
a job in a mental health center because I was

00:55:20.519 --> 00:55:26.769
working for. private company and they laid off

00:55:26.769 --> 00:55:34.409
the peers and you know so you know like right

00:55:34.409 --> 00:55:38.429
after this woman saw my film she hired me and

00:55:38.429 --> 00:55:43.170
we couldn't get any clients so I was I had a

00:55:43.170 --> 00:55:45.969
client and then they quit and that they quit

00:55:45.969 --> 00:55:48.170
out of the program or they didn't need a peer.

00:55:48.389 --> 00:55:51.469
And so they went with the private company. And

00:55:51.469 --> 00:55:57.070
so like, um, I have, I have like, you know, I,

00:55:57.190 --> 00:56:01.610
through, through the autism programs and advocacy

00:56:01.610 --> 00:56:04.869
agencies, you know, I have some clients where

00:56:04.869 --> 00:56:08.530
I teach life skills for people who are anywhere

00:56:08.530 --> 00:56:14.409
from 18 to 26 who are starting to age out and

00:56:14.409 --> 00:56:19.880
they need, services like funding, how to get

00:56:19.880 --> 00:56:24.699
SSI, how to go grocery shopping, although most

00:56:24.699 --> 00:56:28.820
of them do life skills or services. I mean, I

00:56:28.820 --> 00:56:33.860
had to like, you know, so the pandemic was very

00:56:33.860 --> 00:56:36.980
difficult. You know, so the things that I struggle

00:56:36.980 --> 00:56:44.139
with from the PTSD is that, you know, I'm very,

00:56:44.239 --> 00:56:48.420
like part of me got very strong and, you know,

00:56:48.460 --> 00:56:53.059
I was brushing things off a lot easier now. I

00:56:53.059 --> 00:56:56.340
mean, I was always a hard worker, but now, you

00:56:56.340 --> 00:56:59.019
know, I don't give up so easily on a subject.

00:56:59.079 --> 00:57:05.820
I take my stress like earlier today. I felt that

00:57:05.820 --> 00:57:13.699
part of me was screwing up. I felt like I was

00:57:13.699 --> 00:57:17.519
in a more pleasant way. I felt like I was becoming

00:57:17.519 --> 00:57:21.519
this bad person if I didn't fight for a time

00:57:21.519 --> 00:57:26.320
slot to do a podcast. I felt like I was falling

00:57:26.320 --> 00:57:31.400
apart. My OCD got a little bit worse because

00:57:31.400 --> 00:57:35.099
I'm fighting to build back the life that I had

00:57:35.099 --> 00:57:38.949
before the pandemic. It shot down. a lot of things.

00:57:39.269 --> 00:57:48.289
And so that's everybody. But I, um, I also heard

00:57:48.289 --> 00:57:51.969
some wonderful advice. Like if somebody is really

00:57:51.969 --> 00:57:57.730
good to me and they like me, like for example,

00:57:57.949 --> 00:58:01.309
um, I have to admit when I was making the film,

00:58:01.369 --> 00:58:06.329
it was so exciting being on like camera, but,

00:58:06.329 --> 00:58:11.179
um, that's not all who I was, but I was being

00:58:11.179 --> 00:58:14.099
recognized. So it was happier to be recognized,

00:58:14.099 --> 00:58:17.860
but I have to admit for somebody who likes the

00:58:17.860 --> 00:58:20.820
acting industry and that's been on stage before,

00:58:20.920 --> 00:58:24.460
you know, because it was a craft, but the last

00:58:24.460 --> 00:58:28.960
thing is that you still have to keep up with

00:58:28.960 --> 00:58:31.500
feeling good about yourself. And that's a journey

00:58:31.500 --> 00:58:35.039
I have to take every day. And somebody said to

00:58:35.039 --> 00:58:42.199
me, Some wonderful person said to me that they

00:58:42.199 --> 00:58:46.820
learned at 10 years old from somebody else who

00:58:46.820 --> 00:58:49.079
was mentoring them. You know, they're in the

00:58:49.079 --> 00:58:51.360
acting business and not to mention their name

00:58:51.360 --> 00:58:53.780
because they know who they are, but they said,

00:58:53.840 --> 00:58:57.840
you know, somebody told them some good advice

00:58:57.840 --> 00:59:01.610
that no matter what. be the person that you want

00:59:01.610 --> 00:59:04.329
to live the rest of your life with. And the truth

00:59:04.329 --> 00:59:08.989
is it really makes sense because I'm Dina, you

00:59:08.989 --> 00:59:14.449
know, first. And then, so it teaches you. So

00:59:14.449 --> 00:59:18.210
that means that people can have their meltdown,

00:59:18.329 --> 00:59:20.969
that we live in a country nowadays, we're allowed

00:59:20.969 --> 00:59:24.130
to have our meltdowns and people on the autism

00:59:24.130 --> 00:59:28.619
spectrum shouldn't be changed. Cause like, Too

00:59:28.619 --> 00:59:30.820
many people want to change people with autism.

00:59:30.940 --> 00:59:36.480
So these critics that told Dan and Antonio who

00:59:36.480 --> 00:59:41.639
were, like, questioning, well, why did you, like,

00:59:41.800 --> 00:59:45.480
did you have investigative journalists picking

00:59:45.480 --> 00:59:49.960
at Dina? Did you, you know, so that's how I was

00:59:49.960 --> 00:59:53.400
surviving. So, like, this movie gave me a platform,

00:59:53.500 --> 00:59:57.369
you know. It gave me more writing tools because

00:59:57.369 --> 01:00:01.829
I was writing so like, but then again, you get

01:00:01.829 --> 01:00:04.989
haters too. And there were people who were jealous

01:00:04.989 --> 01:00:07.409
of me and, you know, they left my life. I mean,

01:00:07.449 --> 01:00:10.369
I had a friend since I was like 10 years old

01:00:10.369 --> 01:00:14.030
and he turned out to be, according to Scott,

01:00:14.170 --> 01:00:18.329
not so swift. You know what I mean? And he was

01:00:18.329 --> 01:00:20.650
really jealous and angry with me and told me

01:00:20.650 --> 01:00:25.250
that like my name, Dina. It was Dina is Dina

01:00:25.250 --> 01:00:29.070
and Dina. And he wasn't proud of me. He was really

01:00:29.070 --> 01:00:32.590
like jealous and angry with me. And he ripped

01:00:32.590 --> 01:00:36.929
me apart and told me that I was such a snob because

01:00:36.929 --> 01:00:39.789
I got my own film. And, you know, he was on the

01:00:39.789 --> 01:00:45.309
spectrum too. But like the whole idea was, I'm

01:00:45.309 --> 01:00:51.730
just telling you like yourself that a job and

01:00:54.880 --> 01:00:59.380
You know, money and success, you know, it's something,

01:00:59.480 --> 01:01:02.980
but it's not everything. And so these successful

01:01:02.980 --> 01:01:06.139
people who don't have autism, you know, that's

01:01:06.139 --> 01:01:11.239
the moral of the story. I want to hear. So before

01:01:11.239 --> 01:01:18.699
we wrap up, what are three ways can people move

01:01:18.699 --> 01:01:21.719
on with their life from a traumatic event like

01:01:21.719 --> 01:01:26.300
that? Well, that's hard. I'm still moving on.

01:01:26.940 --> 01:01:31.119
One of them is that your past doesn't define

01:01:31.119 --> 01:01:42.619
who you are. So I remember when I was 20, for

01:01:42.619 --> 01:01:46.400
an example, I was like, well, I have a learning

01:01:46.400 --> 01:01:51.719
disability, so I apologize. And what's happening

01:01:51.719 --> 01:01:56.440
to me now? a little bit is that I apologize to

01:01:56.440 --> 01:02:00.019
protect myself. If you ever know, I do that.

01:02:00.059 --> 01:02:02.420
It's a coping mechanism. So it's gotten really

01:02:02.420 --> 01:02:05.380
bad. So like, even with Scott in the kitchen,

01:02:05.460 --> 01:02:09.099
it's really hard when too many people are around

01:02:09.099 --> 01:02:12.599
me because I like have to fight or flight. I

01:02:12.599 --> 01:02:17.019
don't know. You know, some people tell me I apologize

01:02:17.019 --> 01:02:20.579
way too much, but yeah, well, you apologize.

01:02:21.260 --> 01:02:25.219
Way too much. It seems like a friend of mine.

01:02:25.699 --> 01:02:29.239
I am what you call an indie podcaster. If I run

01:02:29.239 --> 01:02:32.519
out of money, there's nobody backing Crazy Fitness

01:02:32.519 --> 01:02:35.940
Guy. How you can support Crazy Fitness Guy is

01:02:35.940 --> 01:02:40.460
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01:02:40.460 --> 01:02:43.880
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01:02:43.880 --> 01:02:48.599
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01:02:49.360 --> 01:02:51.559
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01:04:02.800 --> 01:04:06.659
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01:04:10.920 --> 01:04:13.639
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01:04:29.289 --> 01:04:35.429
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a premium podcast subscriber, click the links

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in the show notes. and see which plan is right

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for you. A friend of mine who passed away, and

01:04:50.500 --> 01:04:53.039
I'll always remember, we used to say we're sorry

01:04:53.039 --> 01:04:55.619
so much. A lot of people said, you two are like

01:04:55.619 --> 01:04:58.599
two peas in a pod. If you got married, all you

01:04:58.599 --> 01:05:01.920
would say was, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Well, I

01:05:01.920 --> 01:05:05.400
think the reason why I do that a lot is because

01:05:05.400 --> 01:05:11.639
growing up in public school, I did a lot of things

01:05:11.639 --> 01:05:17.760
I regret now. Yeah, me too. But I acted out in

01:05:17.760 --> 01:05:22.360
a lot of bad ways. But I always had to apologize

01:05:22.360 --> 01:05:28.940
after every single one of those. And so now every

01:05:28.940 --> 01:05:33.500
time when I feel like I'm bugging someone. That's

01:05:33.500 --> 01:05:37.219
PTSD as well because I did the same thing when

01:05:37.219 --> 01:05:42.789
I was in elementary school. And I went to a special

01:05:42.789 --> 01:05:46.630
school. Well, it's funny that my parents always

01:05:46.630 --> 01:05:50.449
say to me, like, Jimmy, stop apologizing so much.

01:05:50.570 --> 01:05:53.389
It's like, well, it's kind of hard not to at

01:05:53.389 --> 01:05:58.769
the moment because it seems like everything that

01:05:58.769 --> 01:06:02.349
I had to do when I was younger because of certain

01:06:02.349 --> 01:06:05.269
things. And I mean, I was apologetic about them

01:06:05.269 --> 01:06:09.539
sincerely. Yeah, I know. All the times when I

01:06:09.539 --> 01:06:13.340
got into trouble because of my acting out. Yeah,

01:06:13.360 --> 01:06:15.320
I used to. I don't know the total amount of times,

01:06:15.380 --> 01:06:19.360
but it adds up. And it was, sorry, I'm sorry,

01:06:19.519 --> 01:06:21.480
I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Yeah, it does add up. I

01:06:21.480 --> 01:06:25.519
remember. It comes on repeat in my brain. Yeah,

01:06:25.519 --> 01:06:28.820
it's called reiteration or perseveration. That

01:06:28.820 --> 01:06:34.420
was a word I used to hate. So I remember a big

01:06:34.420 --> 01:06:38.929
time young. I remember one time I was acting

01:06:38.929 --> 01:06:40.929
out over the fact that there was a cancellation

01:06:40.929 --> 01:06:45.969
of tickets for this dance. It was a local dance

01:06:45.969 --> 01:06:48.769
and they were changing it to like the next day.

01:06:48.869 --> 01:06:51.949
And I didn't realize that the next day was only

01:06:51.949 --> 01:06:54.150
one day. And my mom was trying to tell me, well,

01:06:54.170 --> 01:06:58.789
why don't we, you know, why don't we have, you

01:06:58.789 --> 01:07:01.929
know, it's a difference. But a lot of people

01:07:01.929 --> 01:07:05.840
still remember me. Like family members, it's

01:07:05.840 --> 01:07:09.920
the worst. The main five family members, sometimes,

01:07:10.159 --> 01:07:13.079
you know, it's not to knock them because it's

01:07:13.079 --> 01:07:15.719
very hard to be a family member with someone

01:07:15.719 --> 01:07:18.619
who's autistic. But it was always like I was

01:07:18.619 --> 01:07:24.679
compared to somebody else. I was, it was so like,

01:07:24.820 --> 01:07:27.699
I remember I had trouble like walking down the

01:07:27.699 --> 01:07:31.360
stairs. like and people remembered but most people

01:07:31.360 --> 01:07:35.480
forget about it and they like me so so moving

01:07:35.480 --> 01:07:40.199
on from the trauma um i would say be your authentic

01:07:40.199 --> 01:07:43.940
self and um is that number two or number one

01:07:43.940 --> 01:07:47.239
well what do you remember number one what was

01:07:47.239 --> 01:07:50.780
i saying that you're never gonna don't let your

01:07:50.780 --> 01:07:54.380
past define you oh yeah um well the whole idea

01:07:54.380 --> 01:07:58.010
is all the past things that happen, whether or

01:07:58.010 --> 01:08:02.889
not you flunked a class or if you had trouble

01:08:02.889 --> 01:08:05.369
walking down the steps, these little autism things.

01:08:05.510 --> 01:08:08.650
I never flunked anything, but I remember coordination

01:08:08.650 --> 01:08:12.690
issues. I remember ticking really bad and my

01:08:12.690 --> 01:08:15.090
eyes would blink. What do you mean by flunk?

01:08:15.409 --> 01:08:19.989
I remember, oh yeah, staring into space. and

01:08:19.989 --> 01:08:21.890
one of the teachers said i was staring at the

01:08:21.890 --> 01:08:24.529
space and calling attention to myself and i'll

01:08:24.529 --> 01:08:27.270
always remember when she said this uh you'll

01:08:27.270 --> 01:08:32.029
never do this uh you know uh my mom always uh

01:08:32.029 --> 01:08:37.609
you know so here part of me was like a good student

01:08:37.609 --> 01:08:40.569
but there's these little things and i have a

01:08:40.569 --> 01:08:45.109
hard time focusing on the bed another one so

01:08:45.109 --> 01:08:49.609
so no but it's focus on The good and the positive

01:08:49.609 --> 01:08:53.590
is the second thing, right? So it's like focusing

01:08:53.590 --> 01:08:56.489
on what you can do instead of what you can't.

01:08:56.569 --> 01:09:09.409
And like, let's see. In my eyes, I think if you're

01:09:09.409 --> 01:09:12.529
feeling really bad, give yourself a hug and say

01:09:12.529 --> 01:09:16.699
everything is going to be fine. even if it's

01:09:16.699 --> 01:09:19.560
fine for just a couple of hours every day is

01:09:19.560 --> 01:09:25.180
a work in progress and that you need to focus

01:09:25.180 --> 01:09:28.899
on the future and leave the past behind because

01:09:28.899 --> 01:09:32.479
it'll eat you up inside um realize that you're

01:09:32.479 --> 01:09:35.399
not your past and it happened and you survived

01:09:35.399 --> 01:09:45.329
it so that's it and um i guess maybe um Like

01:09:45.329 --> 01:09:49.050
my friend said, be the person that you want to

01:09:49.050 --> 01:09:50.829
live the rest of your life with because nobody

01:09:50.829 --> 01:09:53.770
can do it for you. And when you live to please

01:09:53.770 --> 01:09:59.890
people, it's not very free. I know that feeling.

01:10:00.350 --> 01:10:03.890
Yeah. What? I know that feeling. I remember when

01:10:03.890 --> 01:10:08.949
I turned 50, I learned more at 50. I was making

01:10:08.949 --> 01:10:14.619
the film. And so I used to. get bothered by every

01:10:14.619 --> 01:10:22.199
little thing that somebody said. And so somebody

01:10:22.199 --> 01:10:25.479
said to me that that one person who wasn't nice

01:10:25.479 --> 01:10:33.260
to me said, you know, that I was, you know, that

01:10:33.260 --> 01:10:41.920
derogatory, some derogatory words that I don't

01:10:41.920 --> 01:10:46.720
know why a lot of men who were abusers want to

01:10:46.720 --> 01:10:53.319
use filthy words to women. And it was really

01:10:53.319 --> 01:10:58.199
hard. Also that when I had some complications

01:10:58.199 --> 01:11:01.020
from the scar tissue from all those surgeries,

01:11:01.199 --> 01:11:05.020
I had a rupture. And he said I was faking it.

01:11:05.479 --> 01:11:10.439
So I couldn't help but feel like. Why do I think

01:11:10.439 --> 01:11:14.020
he's so important? Because he wanted to be friends

01:11:14.020 --> 01:11:17.880
with everybody but me. But he got mad at me all

01:11:17.880 --> 01:11:20.119
the time for everything. Our friendship was based

01:11:20.119 --> 01:11:23.260
on what he wanted. And he didn't realize that

01:11:23.260 --> 01:11:27.100
I was a human being. So, like, when we connected,

01:11:27.359 --> 01:11:30.079
it was because I was attacked. So he was all

01:11:30.079 --> 01:11:33.020
thrilled about the movie. But when I couldn't

01:11:33.020 --> 01:11:35.199
hang out with him, he got mad at me. Do you see

01:11:35.199 --> 01:11:38.020
what I'm saying? So he got angry and put it inward.

01:11:39.100 --> 01:11:44.279
when i did a story when i was on the news you

01:11:44.279 --> 01:11:49.579
know i was talking about that feel good about

01:11:49.579 --> 01:11:53.479
yourself because when you when you put all that

01:11:53.479 --> 01:11:59.039
energy you know like i had a lot of friends because

01:11:59.039 --> 01:12:02.779
i wanted to fix broken wings that's my last one

01:12:02.779 --> 01:12:07.329
that just came up So that's like six. Yeah. So

01:12:07.329 --> 01:12:11.189
don't try to fix anybody, even though you want

01:12:11.189 --> 01:12:13.989
to, because it doesn't usually work unless they

01:12:13.989 --> 01:12:17.029
fix themselves. So that's all I have to say.

01:12:17.189 --> 01:12:23.029
Well, to end on that note, I remember when I

01:12:23.029 --> 01:12:29.390
graduated high school, there was some teachers

01:12:29.390 --> 01:12:39.710
I quietly I said goodbye in my head too. I mean,

01:12:39.789 --> 01:12:46.569
that's the nicest way I said it. I'm going to

01:12:46.569 --> 01:12:53.350
say on the show, but I really kind of, how it

01:12:53.350 --> 01:12:56.109
really happened, I kind of just like slammed

01:12:56.109 --> 01:13:00.729
the door metaphorically. Oh, okay. So it's in

01:13:00.729 --> 01:13:03.659
your own. in your own way it's closure that sometimes

01:13:03.659 --> 01:13:05.779
you're not going to get good positive closure

01:13:05.779 --> 01:13:08.960
with and one thing you know that's pretty good

01:13:08.960 --> 01:13:11.720
advice there because well no what i'm saying

01:13:11.720 --> 01:13:14.560
though is like there are some people there were

01:13:14.560 --> 01:13:19.600
some teachers that i liked there's some i did

01:13:19.600 --> 01:13:24.659
not like but the ones i liked there's some who

01:13:24.659 --> 01:13:28.960
still saw me as the person who I was years ago

01:13:28.960 --> 01:13:32.960
and didn't see me as somebody changed and didn't

01:13:32.960 --> 01:13:36.819
see me as, hey, I moved on with my life. Here's

01:13:36.819 --> 01:13:41.539
what I'm doing now. Same old, same old. Like,

01:13:41.560 --> 01:13:44.180
oh, you're still negative. And it's like, well,

01:13:44.300 --> 01:13:47.000
I can't be positive all the time. Sorry. The

01:13:47.000 --> 01:13:53.630
misconception is, see, I'm a real person. And

01:13:53.630 --> 01:13:56.189
I have real traumas. And I'm going to say it

01:13:56.189 --> 01:14:00.789
right now. Like, I have mental illness. And it's

01:14:00.789 --> 01:14:04.550
like having diabetes. You know what I mean? Diabetes

01:14:04.550 --> 01:14:08.890
is a physical ailment for, you know, not enough

01:14:08.890 --> 01:14:11.609
blood, not enough sugar to the pancreas. It doesn't

01:14:11.609 --> 01:14:14.270
make enough sugar. Well, mental illness is either

01:14:14.270 --> 01:14:18.010
the chemicals in the brain need medication to

01:14:18.010 --> 01:14:20.289
make you feel better or there's some sort of

01:14:20.289 --> 01:14:26.539
trauma. Ever since I was a little girl. And,

01:14:26.640 --> 01:14:30.180
you know, I was born differently. Most of my

01:14:30.180 --> 01:14:33.819
world was special needs. And then I moved into

01:14:33.819 --> 01:14:38.800
the mainstream world. And I had two lives. And

01:14:38.800 --> 01:14:41.140
I remember my mother saying out of the goodness

01:14:41.140 --> 01:14:43.899
of her heart, just act calm and you'll do fine

01:14:43.899 --> 01:14:46.399
and don't do this. And then I would come home

01:14:46.399 --> 01:14:47.979
and I would melt down. She was like, why do you

01:14:47.979 --> 01:14:51.180
do this here? why do you melt down here and I

01:14:51.180 --> 01:14:52.880
said well you told me to be quiet and good in

01:14:52.880 --> 01:14:57.359
school and then so you know I would get bullied

01:14:57.359 --> 01:15:00.399
and then my mother would try to always tell me

01:15:00.399 --> 01:15:02.920
and the therapist would always try to tell me

01:15:02.920 --> 01:15:07.819
it's a learning process and so like the whole

01:15:07.819 --> 01:15:11.119
idea was when I did extracurriculars with other

01:15:11.119 --> 01:15:14.699
kids I found my passions like art and all that

01:15:14.699 --> 01:15:19.539
so I think maybe that doing art and doing things

01:15:19.539 --> 01:15:23.020
like that. Like I have no choice, but to live

01:15:23.020 --> 01:15:26.279
in my own body, you know, I can't be anybody

01:15:26.279 --> 01:15:28.840
else. So I have to love myself. And then after

01:15:28.840 --> 01:15:31.840
a while it just happens. So that's my advice

01:15:31.840 --> 01:15:36.159
that if you don't like yourself though, no one

01:15:36.159 --> 01:15:38.340
else is really going to like you. And it's a

01:15:38.340 --> 01:15:41.939
hard world to live. I mean, it's frustrating

01:15:41.939 --> 01:15:46.460
because I'm not perfect. So it's. I mean, like,

01:15:46.539 --> 01:15:48.939
yeah, I'm a motivational speaker, but I'm going

01:15:48.939 --> 01:15:54.939
to be totally honest of how I'm feeling. Like,

01:15:54.939 --> 01:15:57.380
if I'm feeling frustrated, I'm going to share

01:15:57.380 --> 01:16:00.439
I'm feeling frustrated. I'm not going to say,

01:16:00.520 --> 01:16:05.060
oh, yeah, everything is fine and dandy. For me,

01:16:05.180 --> 01:16:10.399
I like to share the truth with everyone and be

01:16:10.399 --> 01:16:16.310
fully transparent. I remember... I remember I

01:16:16.310 --> 01:16:19.609
had a speaking gig one time and everything would

01:16:19.609 --> 01:16:22.090
go wrong, did go wrong. And I had a jacket on

01:16:22.090 --> 01:16:24.630
and I put my notes in my pocket. And I don't

01:16:24.630 --> 01:16:26.789
know where the hell the notes were. And I'm looking

01:16:26.789 --> 01:16:30.010
everywhere but my pocket. And I hung up the jacket

01:16:30.010 --> 01:16:33.930
from somewhere else. And, you know, I stuck it

01:16:33.930 --> 01:16:36.689
in there and I had to go off the cuff. And they

01:16:36.689 --> 01:16:40.710
really liked it all of a sudden. So I was having

01:16:40.710 --> 01:16:42.869
the worst panic attack in the world. I was speaking

01:16:42.869 --> 01:16:45.569
at an autism center, and everybody said that

01:16:45.569 --> 01:16:47.810
I spoke from my heart, so it was great. But,

01:16:47.850 --> 01:16:54.170
like, I was really upset. I said, you know, I

01:16:54.170 --> 01:16:59.229
talked about not wanting to do this. I remember

01:16:59.229 --> 01:17:04.409
I got such reviews. Talk about differences one

01:17:04.409 --> 01:17:10.590
time, you know, with the film. So how lucky was

01:17:10.590 --> 01:17:13.630
it? So I traveled all over the world before Sundance

01:17:13.630 --> 01:17:19.329
came out and after. And one time, so I was in

01:17:19.329 --> 01:17:23.569
the hospital. I had a rupture. So they had to

01:17:23.569 --> 01:17:27.289
fix that. I was sick to my stomach in between

01:17:27.289 --> 01:17:30.310
myself getting sick and vomiting everywhere.

01:17:30.750 --> 01:17:35.390
You know, I'm honest. And I had to miss one of

01:17:35.390 --> 01:17:40.449
the premieres. You know, said thank you to everybody.

01:17:40.970 --> 01:17:43.869
So I missed Mondays. Then we had Tuesday and

01:17:43.869 --> 01:17:47.550
Wednesday to recuperate. Thursday night, I was

01:17:47.550 --> 01:17:49.750
still in the hospital. And Friday, I got out

01:17:49.750 --> 01:17:52.229
of the hospital. I was packed to go to London

01:17:52.229 --> 01:17:56.310
in a week. But I ended up going to the last two

01:17:56.310 --> 01:17:59.409
big premieres. And it was gigantic. But the first

01:17:59.409 --> 01:18:02.149
one, I was so upset. I couldn't eat anything.

01:18:02.250 --> 01:18:04.989
I was in for five days. And that's short for

01:18:04.989 --> 01:18:10.039
a rupture. So I was leaking from scar tissue,

01:18:10.260 --> 01:18:13.979
from peritonitis, you know, so they have to keep

01:18:13.979 --> 01:18:20.539
you in. But I got sick in New York at one of

01:18:20.539 --> 01:18:23.300
the director's houses. I wasn't in my own bed,

01:18:23.420 --> 01:18:26.380
and I woke them up in the middle of the night.

01:18:27.560 --> 01:18:32.899
Well, you know, there is a last story before

01:18:32.899 --> 01:18:38.000
we wrap up. There was this, I was doing this

01:18:38.000 --> 01:18:42.840
speaking gig. I think it was my first virtual

01:18:42.840 --> 01:18:46.859
convention. Where was it? It was a virtual convention

01:18:46.859 --> 01:18:51.319
and it was on Facebook. And I was so nervous

01:18:51.319 --> 01:18:54.779
because it was my very first convention I got

01:18:54.779 --> 01:18:58.939
invited to. I wanted to make a really great impression.

01:18:59.479 --> 01:19:04.510
Well, that night. Let's just say technology was

01:19:04.510 --> 01:19:12.949
not working for me. I made some slides. I'm going

01:19:12.949 --> 01:19:15.210
to admit that my very first slides that I made,

01:19:15.350 --> 01:19:18.130
I mean, I wouldn't say my first because I did

01:19:18.130 --> 01:19:20.529
PowerPoint in high school and whatnot in middle

01:19:20.529 --> 01:19:25.789
school, but my very first slides as a speaker

01:19:25.789 --> 01:19:33.430
was too wordy. And, but my, the document wasn't

01:19:33.430 --> 01:19:36.810
coming up. It was slow after slow after slow

01:19:36.810 --> 01:19:39.729
to the point where it was like, okay, you know,

01:19:39.789 --> 01:19:41.949
I'm just going to do this off there. I'm just

01:19:41.949 --> 01:19:46.010
going to do this off, off the cuff. Exemporaneously.

01:19:46.750 --> 01:19:49.609
Yeah. And off the cuff and everything. I just

01:19:49.609 --> 01:19:53.250
wanted to. And so I was like, I know it's not

01:19:53.250 --> 01:19:56.949
the best way to be prepared. I was nervous. I

01:19:56.949 --> 01:20:02.359
like. Is anybody going to like this? And about

01:20:02.359 --> 01:20:07.239
halfway into it, I got all these different comments

01:20:07.239 --> 01:20:10.220
on it. It's like, Jimmy, you're doing really

01:20:10.220 --> 01:20:16.659
great and whatnot. I'm like, I am? And I was

01:20:16.659 --> 01:20:24.300
thinking, it's like, okay, you know, if I can't

01:20:24.300 --> 01:20:27.229
invite it next time. I want to make sure everything

01:20:27.229 --> 01:20:30.390
is working just so I stay on topic because I

01:20:30.390 --> 01:20:33.470
sometimes went on a few rants here and there,

01:20:33.649 --> 01:20:37.329
but I think people like the rants here and there.

01:20:37.609 --> 01:20:43.930
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